I realized today that I think of this blog as a place--a real physical place. Maybe the only place in the world where I truly can be myself. Oh sure, facebook is great--I've found friends I had lost track of after 8th grade, and it's been great to "see" them again. And even those friends that aren't so long and lost are much easier to keep track of there than in real life. And who wouldn't love to have 140+ of your closest friends just a keystroke away? But the truth is that most of those people don't know me, and never will. Now I'm not saying that's their fault, because it's not--it's a choice I made at some point. I don't think it was a conscious choice though, because I don't think I would have consciously chosen to be this lonely.

So anyway, this blog, this little misplaced safe haven, is still here for me. Even when I've neglected it so badly, it still welcomes me back with open arms. I know it's odd, but I picture a stream and a huge willow tree here in my safe haven. There was a willow tree in the yard where I was a little kid and I always felt safe there. Funny, I haven't thought of that in years.

So here I am, sitting under the willow by the stream with my laptop. I removed my link to this blog from facebook shortly after putting it up, so I doubt very many people came here, and of the few who may have I doubt they saved the url. Don't misunderstand, I love my facebook friends, but there are just some things I can't put for my facebook status:

Shel . . .
--needs a friend so effing bad I could scream (and have screamed)
--is fighting the urge to run away
--can't breathe
--cried in abnormal psych class because the professor was talking about me
--can no longer bare her soul to anyone without fear
--doesn't want to talk about it (and therein lies the problem)
--could really use a friend
--is so tired of being afraid
--feels like she hasn't slept in years
--is the oldest thirtysomething in the world
--really, really needs a friend to talk to, but knows she wouldn't speak if she had one
--has been so closed off for so long
--doesn't remember what real intimacy feels like
--feels like her chest is going to explode
--is tired of crying in the bathroom

But I can say those things here. Right? No one really has to answer that. I may delete this anyway once I pick myself up off the bathroom floor.

Labels: confessions, meltdowns, PTSD

I guess I'm changing my mind again.

Now that I'm keeping up with so many of my friends--many of them long, long lost--on Facebook, I'm thinking I probably don't need to maintain the blog.

I know when school starts again (in less than a month--ugh!) I won't have time to come on here--that's what happened when I disappeared last time.

So for now at least, you can find me at http://www.facebook.com/justplainshel. I'm not going to delete this site or anything crazy like that. It's just that right now it feels like a lot of work, like one more thing I have to do, and it was never supposed to be like that.

So look me up on Facebook. I'll be watching for you!

Labels: blogging, my life

So I finally got on myspace, and just about everyone started using facebook.

I resisted.

I don't have time for more sites, I told myself and my friends.

Okay, fine. UNCLE!

After the umpteen-zillionth email from facebook inviting me to view a friend's photos or whatever, I caved. I spent yesterday morning getting on facebook, and I must admit I like it. There, I said it. It seems much more grown up than myspace. ( I realize I should probably be capitalizing myspace and facebook but I'm typing them way to often and I'm way too lazy. Sue me. Yes, I'm in one of those moods.)

I don't know how to tell you to find me on there--I haven't really figured that out yet. I don't really want to post my full name and email on here, but you can email me through my blog so if you want to hook up on facebook email me here and we'll figure it out. I'm still on myspace at http://www.myspace.com/justplainshel, so you can find me there too. I do draw the line at twitter though. I'm either too old or too tired to tweet. Either way, it ain't happening.

So anyway, I'm hanging out on facebook, checking out long lost friends and what not, and occasionally it prompts you about people you may know.

It keeps wanting me to add myself as a friend. I don't want to be my friend. What do you think that means?

Labels: blogging, my life

Have you ever sat down to play a video or computer game and the next thing you know hours have gone by?

Now imagine SIX YEARS have gone by!

Holy freaking cow! Where did the time go? Who are these teenagers and where are my children? How did that happen? How do I get that time back?

The far end of grieving is very much that way--looking back it feels so much like wasted time. By the time you reach this "far end" you have already become a full fledged expert on grief and healing, and you know that grieving was and is necessary. You KNOW that, but where the hell did all that time go? So much of it is just a blur, with no real memories. Why can't I remember?

Could it be that grief, like pregnancy, kills brain cells?

Please excuse me for a bit -- I have to go push my kids in the pool now. Shhhhhhhh!

Labels: grief and healing, my life

I've never really been one to get caught up in pop culture, but I did watch the Michael Jackson memorial today.

It's funny in a way, I never really considered myself an MJ fan while he was alive, though there have certainly been songs over the years I've liked. And yes, I will confess that back in the early 80s I did wear a red leather-look jacket with countless zippers and a single silver sequined glove. Gimme a break, I was 10 and Thriller-mania rocked the globe.

I was shocked and saddened to hear of his death, and frankly I wouldn't have thought I would feel that way. I was also surprised to see how many loyal fans he still has around the world, literally dancing in the streets. Someone, thought I can't remember who, explained it very well I think in one of the many interviews in the last ten days said while MJ was alive there was so much controversy surrounding his personal life that it colored the music. His death has lifted that cloud and people are free to enjoy the music again.

I didn't know what to expect when I decided to watch the memorial, and I was struck by how classy it was, and how classy the family is, and even by how respectful the fans were. I certainly didn't expect to see or hear from his children. Who would have imagined that such simple words from a broken-hearted little girl could touch so many, and bring back so many of my own personal emotions.

"I love him so much," she said. And the whole world cried.

Labels: grief and healing, music

It's so hard to catch up, isn't it? A couple of years ago I ran into an old friend (he was much more than that actually) and there was so much we wanted to ask and so much we wanted to tell each other, but we just stood there and stupidly stared. He said something like "Damn it's been a long time." I responded with something equally brilliant like "Yeah it has." We laughed about it in an email later.

My point is, it's hard to catch up. It's hard to come up with a short version of the last 15 years in that example, or the last year such as in the here and now. Where have I been? What have I been doing? What's been going on my world?

How much time have you got?

Well, let's see.

The girls are good. Hope is 14 with a cell phone and a B cup. Ugh. I have a lot of payback coming my way, but so far she's a much better kid than I was. Robyn is 12 and doing so/so. I haven't been happy with her progress, or lack thereof, in her current school, but she's getting a new teacher this fall and I just had a really good conversation with her so I'm pretty excited about that. I'm currently building a PECS communication system for her to use here at home. You should google it--it's pretty cool. If I start adding in links I'll never get this posted though.

I FINALLY!!! got back in school. I'm a senior at Oklahoma State (Go Cowboys!) majoring in psychology. I still work at the Ponca City ER admitting desk three nights a week so we can keep our insurance. It's kind of brutal trying to do it all, but I'll have my BA in less than a year and a half. I'll have to have at least a Master's to do what I want, but I can't think about that yet--it's too intimidating. One thing at a time, you know?

Oh yeah, and I cut off all my hair. Yup, sure did. Love it too. I'll try to get some pictures of all of us up soon.

Can you believe it's been six years since Scott and my folks died? Things are certainly a lot better for us but still not a day passes that I don't think of them or have an image of that day flicker through my head. I think I'm finally realizing that it's never going to go away, and strangely there is some comfort in acceptance.

Is that everything? Probably not, but it's a start. Hmm, kinda long for a short version, huh?

Labels: blogging, family, grief and healing, my life

I've thought about us for a long long time. (Don't you love that song? I sure do!)

But there comes a point when you haven't posted in so long that it becomes too long.

But I think maybe I'm back now.

Maybe.

We'll see. . . .

Labels: blogging

Yes, we're back from vacation. Yes, we had a wonderful time. Yes, we dodged TS Edoardo (barely!). Yes, I have photos.

But all of that will have to wait, because right now I've got the fever.

Olympic fever baby! Oh yeah!

Unfortunately even talking about that will have to wait a bit though. First I have to get the girls registered for school (which start tomorrow--eegads!), buy groceries, do laundry, etc.

But when I'm caught up I'll tell you all about my Olympic fever, when and where I caught it, and how I know I'll never be cured.

Until then, ROCK ON TEAM USA! WHOO HOO!!

Labels: my life

I do love summer, but I swear I don't know how we survive it every year. And I really don't know how single parents do it. I work 40 hours a week, and the kids are left fending for themselves more than I'd like. I'm usually here during the day, but I'm sleeping since I work mostly nights. Randy is here at night while they are sleeping, so they really aren't actually alone much. But it sure does feel like it to all of us.

Just a few more days though, and we'll be on vacation! Whoo hoo! A real vacation! TEN WHOLE DAYS OFF WORK!

Four days in Galveston with the kids, and four days in Margaritaville, err Cozumel, just me and him while the kids hang with the grandparents in Houston. We are all so excited!

It's been three years since we had a real family vacation, and Randy and I have been talking about taking a vacation together for at least that long and are just now getting around to it--you know, something like a honeymoon but without the wedding!

Anywho, that's what's up in Shellieville.

I need to update my Myspace page, I need to respond to about a balillion emails or just declare email bankruptcy and start over, I need to clean and cook and shave the dog. But right now it's almost vacation time so the rest will have to wait. And that's okay. It will all still be there.

My dear friends, bear with me. I won't always be so absent! School starts August 13, just two days after we return from our trip, and hopefully we'll soon get into a routine again.

Labels: family, my life, travel

I don't talk to you anymore unless I'm angry and yelling. But I still think of you every single day. Truth is, most days I wish I didn't.

I don't talk about it, but I relive it every single day. I wonder if you could hear my screams or if you were already gone. Some days I feel pity for you and how you must have been hurting, but most days I hope you heard me, and I hope it hurt you for that to be the last thing you ever heard.

It's hard to believe that 15 years ago this day I was a bride. I was young and naive and full of hope embarking on my very own happily ever after. I don't believe in happily ever after anymore. You took that from me.

I wonder why this day, our 15th wedding anniversary, is harder for me than the 5 year anniversary of your and mom and daddy's deaths. That wasn't an easy day either, especially since it fell on the same day of the week--Friday the 13th. God, Hope was a wreck waiting for some other tragedy to befall her. You did that to her.

Goddamn you Scott. You took so much from me, from all of us. It makes me so angry to know that I still love you. I still miss you. Goddamn you!

It's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do -- reconcile hating the man who died, and loving the man who lived. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say we had a bad marriage, because there was always love. But I also know we didn't have a good one. I wonder if I ever would have had the courage to leave you.

From the outside looking in I know I seem fine. I have a job, a home, a new man in my life--and he's a good man too. He's good to me and the girls. But he isn't you. And I mourn that and thank God for it all at once. And I'm not fine.

I hate you and I love you and I miss you and I'm glad you're gone.

Labels: confessions, family, grief and healing, PTSD, surviving suicide

Not knowing what is wrong when your child screams and cries for hours, because she isn't able to tell you.

Never hugging or holding her because touch doesn't feel the same to her.

Never hearing her say "I love you," and knowing you probably never will.

Not knowing her favorite color, favorite place, or favorite smell because she can't tell you.

Taking her to the hospital for another painful, countless, pointless test; and seeing another child, who is clearly very, very ill, and feeling only envy. Yes, envy, because that child's suffering will end soon, and your child will suffer a full lifespan.

Knowing she will never go to college, get married or have babies. Ever.

Knowing there is nothing you can do to help her, or console her, so you simply cry with her--albeit on the other side of the door because she doesn't want you in the room.

Knowing that when you are gone the burden of her care will pass to her sister and wondering which child to worry about more--the one in the institution or the one in the lobby fighting with the bureaucrats.

This is autism.

Labels: autism, my life

I had the best of intentions for today. It's spring break and I'm off during the day today. I have to work tonight, so I'll have to squeeze in a nap sometime, but I thought we could also squeeze in a movie.

But then when I was drinking my coffee this morning. . . .

Huh?

What IS that SMELL????

OMG!

Someone managed to step in dog shit and track it into EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE except for two.

Did I mention. . .

OMG!

Did I also mention. . .

THAT AWFUL SMELL!!!

So instead of witnessing cute little Horton hearing a who today, it's more like everyone hears a steam cleaner.

By the time it's all cleaned up it will be nap time, then dinner, then work.

Sigh.

Oh well. Such is the stuff of life.

Waddaya know. Shit actually does happen.

Labels: family, movies, my life

I don't know what the deal is with my freaky-deaky looking blog. I checked photobucket--all the images are still there.

I don't have time to fix it right now. Okay, that's a lie. I have time, but I had a biopsy today and I just don't feel like doing it right now.

Instead, I'm going to lie down on the sofa with a heating pad and a cup of hot cocoa and watch Deal or No Deal. Maybe I'll fix it tomorrow.

Labels: blogging, health

Did someone say something about Christmas puppies? Oh yeah! I did!




Whoopsie. He really does have a whole head!





There it is!

Isn't he cute?

Labels: my life